Sex Day: Spanking New

WARNING: The following entry contains descriptions of sexual practices that a lot of people consider perverse.  For those of you who would prefer not to be confronted by perversion, please go here, where nothing perverse goes on, at least that anyone will admit.  For the rest of you, you bunch of sick-o perverts, you've come to the right place. 

Welcome to Sex Day here at Functional Ambivalent, an irregularly scheduled, impromptu celebration of...well, human perversion, to be perfectly honest.

Whaddaya say we get down to business?

Spanking.  There, I've said it.  Spanking spanking spanking.  Spanking.  Spank spank spank.

I think I'm speaking for most men when I say: Spanking.

No, wait.  I think I'm speaking for most men when I say: Spanking is interesting.

Yes, it is.  All the same, it's not something we'd ever bring up to our wives or significant others.  Because there's no telling how our wives or significant others would react.

Wife or Significant Other: Ohhhh, I love kissing you.
Man: Spanking.
Wife or Significant Other: What?
Man: I want...I want...
Wife or Significant Other: Tell me what you want, dear.  I love you and want what you want.
Man: I want to spank you.  With tiny panties on.
Wife or Significant Other: We're never going to have sex again, you sick-o pervert. 

Every time a man suggests anything new, it is the above conversation that is running through his mind.  Trust me.  Men approach even highly familiar women with the same dread really old people have of computers: Touch one wrong button and life will never be the same.

So, as a public service, Functional Ambivalent now presents The Neurotic Gentleman's Guide to Bringing Up Spanking with Your Wife or Significant Other; or C'mon, Honey, You Know I Was Only Kidding!  The title's a little long, I know, but anything that delays the inevitable is OK by me.

First, you have to remember that some women like to be spanked.  Second, you have to remember that some women are deeply offended by the idea of being spanked.  Third, you really, really have to remember that there's no way to know which women are which. 

Do not delude yourself into believing that you can joke about spanking and draw meaning from the way a given woman reacts to your joking.  Spanking has become a standard topic of sexy joking and flirtation, even among people who have no interest whatsoever in spanking as an actual activity.

I have always been a big proponant of introducing new sexual diversion while everyone involved is shit-faced drunk.  There are three reasons for this:

1. It improves your chances for success, however marginally
2. Later, you have something to blame other than your own twisted psychology and weak moral fiber
3. It doesn't hurt as much to get slapped when you're drunk

Even to me, spanking doesn't seem like something you should first try while drunk, since it's an activity that is easily misconstrued as abuse.  If there's one thing you don't want to have to explain at the office it's an appearance on Cops, obviously drunk and only half dressed, under arrest after giving your wife or significant other a playful-but-misunderstood slap on her delightful ass.

Oh, and speaking of Number 3, above: I am not the only man who fears physical reprisals for suggestions that are all in good fun.  Even among accomplished spankers, anti-spanking backlash is a fear widely felt. 

At an Internet bulletin board named SpankingClassics.com, a wannabe spanker asks the experienced spankers how to introduce the notion of spanking to a woman.  An experienced spanker who seems to have misspelled his own name, The Professorr, suggest to the tyro spanker that he ask politely from a safe distance.  Like, for example, the other side of the world.

The Internet is the best way. Ask women who post there. Don't risk asking in real life before you ask online. It's not possible to predict who is into spanking and who not. People are, first, secretive, and second, very often totally confused about their secret fetishes.

And third: Some of them are capable of expressing great outrage.  Here's an observation from the friendly-sounding blog Gwen's Petty, Judgemental, Evil Thoughts:

I can't imagine what I would do if a man tried to "spank" me...I mean, I think violence is wrong and all, but I like to imagine that I'd slap the shit out of him.

Gwen stopped blogging soon after that posting.  Perhaps she is in jail after having killed the man she was dating for suggesting that it would be a lot more tolerable to go out dancing if she weren't wearing panties.  Or maybe she ground him up in a meat grinder when he innocently and supportively suggested that if she wanted to try lesbian sex, he'd be glad to keep her company. 

I can't say I'm going to miss Gwen.

Let's say you're in a commited relationship and popping the spanking question is not something you can reasonably do over the Internet.  After all, you can never tell when your wife or significant other is going to pick up her email.  It might be days from now, which would mean that you'd have to keep on guard for a long time just in case she came away from the computer with a hankerin' to go all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

Wife or Significant Other: Honey, I got your email...
Husband: You did?  What did you think?
Wife or Significant Other: I think I'm going to chop off your penis with this dull, rusty knife, you sick-o pervert.

No, in dealing with an established wife or significant other relationship, you're going to have to bring it right up, face-to-face.  Or, if it seems more appropriate, face-to-catchers-mask.  You need to be open and honest in that mentally healthy way that led to so many divorces in the 1970s.

Here's some friendly advice from a website that makes me nervous because, like a lot of other "How To Introduce Spanking to Your Wife or Significant Other" websites, it seems to be no longer in operation.  That makes me wonder what's happening to all these spanking experts.  Have they all been thrown into meat grinders by Gwen?  Will we ever know?

Anyway, here's what this apparently missing-in-action spanking guru suggests:

• Introduce spanking as friendly new sex game called "Hankey Spankey", let her spank you first, of course.
• If your lady likes it doggie style then there's no better time than when you're cumming from behind to surprise her with a light slap, increase the intensity only when she says "harder!"
• Wear a G-String, no one can resist slapping a G-Stringed Ass!
• Next time you fight with her just point your butt at her and say, "Show me how mad you are!!"
• After spanking don't forget to gently rub the spanked area.

To which I have several reactions.  First of all, I don't think any man who is so worldly as to be able to offer other men advice on how to spank their wives or significnt others should use the phrase "doggie style."  It's unseemly, like asking a woman to suck your "weiner." 

Secondly, in the real world most women would find it exremely easy to resist spanking their man, should he appear suddenly in a g-string.  Most men look ridiculous in a g-string.  Most women do not find ridiculous men irresistable in any way.

That said, the Unknown Spanking Guru has a point: A quick slap from behind during the act of sex can be a winning strategy, just so long as you're properly prepared.  Here's what I suggest:

Before initiating sex, use a black Sharpie to draw a tiny, irregularly-shaped speck on the palm of your spanking hand.  Then, when your wife or significant other is really getting into it, give her a resounding slap on the ass.  Don't be ambiguous; spank her once sharply and keep humping.

If she lowers her head and moans, or asks for it again, harder this time, or pushes back toward your thrusting hips and grinds...you've survived to spank again.  If she turns and glares back over her shoulder, or shows any other sign of anger or impending violence, hold up your spanking hand and show her the irregularly-shaped speck.

"Mosquito," you explain.  "Sorry."

Then back to it before she sees that it's not a dead mosquito on your palm at all.  Don't forget to wash your hands immeditely after you're done. 

Look: I've got to admit I have no idea how to introduce spanking into your sexual repertoir.  It took me about two years to get up the nerve to even kiss my wife, who was not my wife at the time but was just some hot young girl who made my insides go all spinny every time she lifted her upturned breasts to take a breath.

I've searched all of the Internets and the only advice that makes even a little sense is so shameful and unnatural that I can barely write it out for others to read.  The advice is: It's all about communication and trust.

I know; that's the nightmare scenario.  Communications and Trust.  How can anyone reasonably expect guys, of all people, to meet that kind of standard?

It all depends, of course, on how much you want what you want.  If you want very badly to spank her perfectly rounded ass, clad only in the sheerest of silk, communications and trust might be tolerable.  If you spend long hours imagining her over your knees, you can talk yourself into putting up with just about anything.  In fact, when it comes down to it, it might not be that bad.  The Lover's Guide makes it sound almost...well, tolerable.

If a man really wants his dream to come true, the golden rule is to ask nicely. Start with a toned-down version of your fantasy and, if your partner seems amendable, carry on telling her all the lurid details.

We can handle that, right guys?  Be brave!  Remember: We're evolved, sensitive men of the New Millenneum.  We can ask politely, sweetly, lovingly, over dinner at a restaurant that doesn't even have sports on TV, if we have to.  We can do that.

Don't be too demanding. While most women will like the idea of being the ultimate lover and making your dreams come true, it's no fun if the goalposts keep moving.

OK, so far so good.  What they're talking about here is sticking to the old game plan.  No quick shifts from spanking to, say, the flogging her breasts with leather straps.  Nothing like that.  Just some innocent spanking is all.  Playful, really.  Slap and tickle.  It's about the symbolic power relationship, really, not the pain.

Most importantly, bear in mind that she's more likely to live out your fantasies if she's happy with you.

Happy.  Right.  Got it.

Whether that means you doing the washing up, giving her a sensual massage or living out one of her fantasies, treating a woman with respect is by far the most effective way to make sure your dreams come true.

Aw, now wait just a second.  Let's be reasonable here.  We need to do the washing up?  Massage?  Respect?  Who are we trying to kid?

I don't know about you, but I'm sticking with the mosquito thing.  A man can only go so far.

And, it's worth remembering, so fast.  You're going to want to get a good head start, just in case she notices that that's not a mosquito on your hand.

That's it for Sex Day this time around.  I'll be back in a week or so with more useful sex information and wacky hijinks. 

For the next few days, I'll be figuring out ways to keep my wife from reading this.  If she does, boy, I'm in for a sound thrashing.

Hey, wait a minute...

Comments

[jessiemica]

A treat, for sure. A true return to classic Sex Day form. I almost like the infrequent Sex Day...it makes it that much sweeter to get them.

Aslo...the mosquito bit was great! Made me laugh, made the 4 or so people I've related it to since then laugh as well.

[Nate]

Wow, you have truly and bravely wandered into one of the trickiest of all circumstances in the adventure that is the sexual relationship. Breaking the ice of a desired new kink into a relationship has got to be one of the toughest things to accomplish successfully. Lots of room for here for things to go wrong.

For this particular aspect- spanking, my recommendation is prolonged attention to the bum by the one desiring to apply the spanking. Lots of kissing and a warm massage can get the focus of the recipient into a mood that a swat or two can further fuel into a heated paddling episode.

But its easy to overdo it, as most any guy knows and what works one night may not have the same effect next week. However, if you're successful once, the woman will probably let you know when its time to try again.

But life's not for the bashful now is it?

[TR]

Don't underestimate the power of "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours" in relating fantasies. Maybe you're not the only sick-o pervert in the family...although personally, I don't consider spanking perverse. To each their own kink.

[michelle]

I hate the "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours" line. I've gotten trapped into that twice. As for the first guy, I really wish he hadn't told me. Ohmyfuckinggod. Relationship was definitely over. The second time, I felt so pressured into coming up with a good one but alas, I got "Oh... That's it?". I guess I need to work on a better imagination.

[Amy]

Here's a few tips for you buddy.

No.1 When people post on internet forums they use something called a handle or nic. A handle rarely represents a persons real name or profession. In the case you mention the person is actually a professor. The second r stands for something else. I'm sure you found your little dig about the spelling mistake rather amusing but all it really does is show people how you purposely misinterpret things to suit your own needs.

No.2 Many sites on the internet appear one day and are gone the next. This rarely has anything to do with the validity of their content. You may not know this but web sites take TIME and sometimes even money to maintain. Imagine That! I wonder how long your site will be around for. Make sure you keep paying your isp.

No 3. If your going to quote someone's post how about quoting the WHOLE thing. That way it can be kept in context. Of course that would mean you won't be able to put your own little slant on it.

I thought your article was rather good. Had you done a little more research it could have been allot better. Trust me...there's allot more spankofiles out there than you know!

[Jay Loves Kitti]

"First, you have to remember that some women like to be spanked. Second, you have to remember that some women are deeply offended by the idea of being spanked."

Or some, like my wife, who seem to fall into both camps at the same time.

Jay

[Jen Gardner]

Tom,
Great article!

Just so you know, we women of utterpants (link above) love to be spanked. And there'd be nothing that could please us more is if the hilarious Tom Johnson would pop in our pants to do it. ;)

[DTG]

Spanking. Ooooh!! My FAVOURITE. It took my hubby ages to come round to it---he really didn't believe I wanted it so much---, but now he loves to redden my ass.

Check out the Spanking posts in my Index.

DTG xxoo
Pussy Talk

[Dan S.]

Maybe you're not the only sick-o pervert in the family...To each their own kink. (emphasis added)

Indeed.

[HoneyBun]

Based on years of informal discussions and interviews, I would say MOST women in their twenties and thirties like to get spanked.

Women in their late forties & fifties tend to see spanking as patriarchal oppression, although I've known serious feminists who loved it when they got spanked and taken sexually.

Spanking is about biology, not ideology.

You can always give your wife one of my spanking kits. A very safe way to introduce the topic.

Or bring home the movie Secretary or Story of O.

[Gwen]

1. "Gwen" is still online, at www.gwenworld.com - the same URL you linked.

2. You took her quote out of context and changed it without using brackets, as anyone who clicked that link would have seen.

3. If you ever took the time to read Gwen's blog, as opposed to googling "ask to spank" and copying the first thing that seemed to make your point for you, you'd see that she is not at all the person you're representing her to be. But you don't take the time to get to know people, do you? It's easier to have cyber S&M with old men pretending to be women who like getting spanked, isn't it?

Please don't link to Gwen's site anymore if you can't do so in context. She won't miss you, either.

[Frenk]

Based on my own observations i can i agree with those who say most women enjoy spanking.

[Jon]

There really is no way to spot a spanko for sure. It takes time and patience to build a trusting relationship in the spanking community.

[J Yakov Garringer]

interesting accounts of spanking

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[testdrive]

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