Thinking about making some life-changing resolution for the New Year? Good for you. Good for you! But have you considered that you might not need to change? Have you considered that maybe you're not that bad, after all?
Let's say you're getting ready to go on a diet. If you're like most people, your prep for that consists of chowing down on fattening Christmas leftovers so you can start the New Year with a cleaned-out fridge filled with healthy celery and tofu. Well, maybe you don't really need to start your diet quite yet. Maybe you should take a lesson from Brower Minoch, the most succesful dieter of all time. Mr. Minoch didn't start his diet until he weighed almost 1,400 pounds. And he lost more than 900 pounds! It's hard to argue with that kind of success. Of course, he re-gained about 200 of that once they let him up out of the hospital bed, but still: 700 pounds is nothing to laugh at. At least it wasn't for Minoch, who died when he tried to cut what he had re-gained. Let that be a lesson to you!
Feeling old, fellahs? Well-aware that the disgusting attributes of middle age are setting in, and vowing to do something about it? Consider Radhakant Bajpai, whose ear hair grew to an astounding length of almost six inches! Did Mr. Bajpai panic and risk inner ear damage by plucking or waxing or lasering? He most certainly did not. Comfortable with himself, he groomed his ear hair into elegant curls. You could do the same. Back hair, too!
For you ladies, be inspired by Vivian Wheeler of Wood River, Illinois. While most women would panic if their beard reached, say, three inches, Ms. Wheeler allowed hers to grow to an astounding 11 inches! You go girl! For those of you wondering how having such a long beard affected her love life...well, all I can say is that Ms. Wheeler has a daughter in Bakersfield, so she must be doing something right! And at least once!
Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain said, "Quitting smoking isn't hard. I've done it a thousand times." Well, haven't we all! Thinking about taking another whack at it this year? Here's a chart for you: Japan, with the longest life expectancy in the world, is also the second-heaviest smoker! That's right! So if you're considering quitting smoking, maybe you ought to adopt the Japanese lifestyle instead. Start eating fish and working 80 hours a week and living in paper houses! Well, if you're going to smoke, maybe the paper house isn't the way to go, but you get my drift. And since Japanese women live longer than Japanese men, you might want to consider being a Japanese woman. Start bowing and being deferential to men, and -- when hubby shows up at two in the morning after six hours of power-drinking and geisha indulgence with business associates -- don't show your irritation. You just might live forever. Or, at least, it'll seem like it!
If your life is anything like life chez Ambivalent, your New Year's Eve resolution is to spruce things up a bit around the house. You know: Dust more than twice a year in the living room and no more malt liquor bottles under the kids' beds.
Well, maybe we'll get around to that next year after reading about Joyce Curry of Sacramento, California. Ms. Curry, a single mom who by all outward appearances seemed to be keeping things pretty well together, fell somewhat short of Housekeeper of the Year honors and was evicted from her birghtly painted home. Here's what KXTV News 10's website had to say:
Josh Pino, Principal Building Inspector for the City of Sacramento, said it was immediately clear the house was unfit for human habitation. "To take a shower or a bath, they have to do the valves with a pair of pliers," he said. "The place is strewn with debris all over the house including up against the water heater. There's open electrical wiring."
The house also had a decided funk owing to the leaky roof and California's unusual rains of the last year. But that's as much the weather's fault as it is anything.
Bad news for Ms. Curry and the kids, who have to find a new place to live while armed with a not-exectly-stellar reference from the previous landlord, but good news for you! Because here's the moral of the story: However bad you are, there's someone worse. So: Relax!
This year, resolve to spend the next year noticing the ways in which you need to change. Make a note to yourself to think about changing again next year, when you're surely going to much, much worse than you are now. And next year? Who knows!