There's a heat wave in Moscow, and sweltering Russians are downing their favorite vodka and heading to city fountains to cool off. So far, 28 people have drowned, face-down in water a few inches deep.
In Portage, Indiana, police found a drunk passed out in the front seat of his car, which was on fire. They managed to pull him to safety before the car was fully engulfed.
In Shefford, England, drunk Peter Smith (whose name sounds like a person who makes penises the old fashioned way) was sentenced to 9 months in jail for biting the ear off another drunk. The biting took place during a drunken brawl over a woman who could not possibly have been interested in either of them.
And finally, doctors in Okmulgee, Oklahoma, have figured out what's ailing the toddlers there. Fastidious parents, teachers and babysitters have been cleaning the hands of 2-year olds with a hand sanitizer that is 62% alcohol. The kids have then licked their hands and sucked their thumbs, getting plastered in the process. Said one parent: "I walked in and she's leaning up against the wall and her eyes are just kinda...doing whatever they want, not focused on anything."
Clearly, that's one little girl who's ready for college. Or, perhaps, swimming in Russian fountains.