Van Halen Reunion Tour, Date By Date
The schedule of the Van Halen reunion tour has been announced. Here's my prediction of how it goes:
Opening Night, Charlotte, North Carolina -- A packed house. Crowds cheer as Eddie and his bass-playing son Wolfgang take the stage, but seem confused about who drummer Alex Van Halen is. David Lee Roth enters last, and stays onstage longest, taking three more curtain calls than the band. Eddie Van Halen orders the limos to leave the arena while DLR is still playing to the crowd.
Show 2, Greensboro, North Carolina -- After the show, DLR brings three half-naked women back to the hotel in the limo. Eddie, calling attention to his son Wolfgang, hisses, "David, there are children present!" Roth offers Wolfgang one of the women as a peace offering, but Wolfgang seems more embarrassed than interested. "Mr. Roth," he says, "my dad's here."
Show 3, Phladelphia -- DLR's performance is curiously subdued due to lower back pain.
Show 4, Toronto, Ontario -- DLR from onstage: "It's great to be here in Cleveland!"
Show 5, Cleveland, Ohio -- Police detain Alex Van Halen for loitering backstage.
Show 6, Indianapolis, IN -- Hillary and Bill Clinton show up backstage to get photos taken for her campaign blog. Upon arrival, Hillary wonders aloud whether "Van Halen" is the band or the guy. Being introduced to Eddie, Wolfgang and Alex Van Halen confuses her even more. Hillary: "Then shouldn't it be 'The Van Halens'?" Bill Clinton unseen for mysterious half-hour, explains he was "lost, until this nice young lady showed me the way." Hillary, steely in front of the cameras, admires the young woman's tube top.
Show 7, Chicago, Illinois -- Backstage tussle between Eddie and DLR over who gets to go onstage first.
Show 8, Chicago, Illinois -- DLR from onstage: "Cleveland sucks." Chicago Sun-Times publishes a photo of Eddie coming out of an AA meeting.
Show 9, Auburn Hills, Michigan -- Eddie announces vegetarian-only concert buffet. Backstage guest Ted Nugent drags in freshly killed deer for "meat eaters." DLR Roth demands bigger cut of box office, points at Alex Van Halen, shouts: "He's getting as much as I am and no one knows who he is!"
Show 10, Minneapolis, Minnesota -- Eddie catches Wolfgang smoking behind the drum stand. Show delayed 22 minutes by dressing room argument about whether Wolfgang is old enough to smoke. During that time, DLR mounts the stage, sings "Just a Gigolo" a capella and wonders aloud why touring isn't any fun anymore. "God, traveling with Eddie is like traveling with a fucking nanny!"
Show 11, Kansas, City, Missouri -- Bomb-sniffing security dogs uncover 9-inch smoked sausage taped to DLR's leg.
Show 12, St. Louis, Missouri -- At press availability, DLR explains why Cleveland sucks: "It just does. I hate coming here." Eddie informs DLR afterward that they left Cleveland three weeks ago. Alex Van Halen kills the afternoon before the concert by going on tour of Gateway Arch and taking the light rail over to Union Station for a little shopping. No one recognizes him.
Show 13, Boston, Massachusetts -- Limo driver asks Alex Van Halen to get out so there will be "room for Mr. Roth to stretch out."
Show 14, East Rutherford, New Jersey -- Eddie and DLR get in fistfight backstage after DLR suggests that "Van Halen" is too long of a name for the band, and that maybe "something with one syllable would be easier for people to remember."
Show 15, New York, New York -- Crisis: Someone put brown M&Ms in the backstage bowl.
Show 16, Los Angeles, California -- DLR appears onstage with noticeable black eye. Band refuses comment, but rumor is that Eddie hit him on the tour plane after Roth tried to pour Courvoisier into Eddie's gaping mouth as he napped. Outside the Staples Center, there is a brief scuffle as former Van Halen bass player Michael Anthony tries to force his way in without buying a ticket.
Show 17, Glendale, Arizona -- As Woflgang leaves backstage party with two Arizona State University coeds, Eddie is heard to shout, "Use protection!"
Show 18, San Diego, California -- In a radio interview, DLR announces that he's forming a new band "once this fucking funeral tour is over with."
Show 19, Sacramento, California -- On stage, DLR dons reading glasses to look at the exposed breasts of women in the front row.
Show 20, San Jose, California -- DLR refers to Eddie as "mom" on stage.
Show 21, Portland, oregon -- After pre-concert beerbong session with local college girls, DLR forget lyrics to "Dreams" and refuses to apologize, since "It's really not a Van Halen song anyway, 'cause that other guy sang it."
Show 22, Seattle, Washington -- Limos leave for the arena before Alex is aboard. Alex gets cab to the Key Arena, but is forced to buy a ticket from a scalper to get in. In what he later calls "a lighthearted prank," DLR lights Eddie's pants on fire as Eddie naps pre-show. After the show is over, Eddie slips away from the hotel, goes to a pawnshop and buys a gun.
Show 23, Vancouver, British Columbia -- Eddie arrested going through customs with an unregistered firearm. Show delayed three hours. Canadian crowd waits patiently and quietly.
Show 24, Edmonton, Alberta -- DLR takes to the stage wearing a "Got MILF?" t-shirt and asks the crowd: "How many of you are here to see me, not these guys?"
Show 25, Calgary, Alberta -- The final show of the tour. When the four stand in front of the crowd at the beginning of the show, Roth's "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt points at Eddie. The final show of the tour clocks in at just over 22 minutes and climaxes with Eddie giving David a gentle shove off the stage, into the crowd.
Just sad really......to see Eddie and Dave turn into (or at least look like) a couple of coked out female Chicago realtors!
Posted by: fish | 08/20/2007 at 01:33 PM
Did you come up with that all by your lonesome? It's funny, but if you did, you have too much time on your hands.
Then again, isn't that the definition of having a blog? ;-)
Posted by: Squidley | 08/20/2007 at 11:35 PM