FunctionalAmbivalent

What I'm Here For, Self-Improvement Edition

One link, 50 ways to improve your life next year.

Milestone

Today, the 4,000th comment was posted on F/A. Posted by regular commentor Mike S. it was, fittingly, a mistake -- a hit-the-button-twice-by-accident reposting of comment #3,999.

For those of you keeping score at home, remember that I counted all 6,365 comments by Squidley as only one, since they all say basically the same thing.

I follow the comment metric a lot more than I do any other. Keep those cards and letters coming in, folks.

What I Think About In Traffic

On the way in to work this morning I decided that the worst case scenario in the coming election would be Huckabee vs. Hillary. Best case from the Democratic standpoint: Huckabee vs. Obama. Best case from a Republican standpoint: McCain vs. Obama. That is also, I think, the best case scenario from the standpoint of the health of the American political system.

Also on the way to work this morning, I decided that Huckabee will win Iowa and McCain will win New Hampshire.

The most interesting macropolitical question I find myself pondering is whether Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will be our only Baby Boomer Presidents. If Obama wins, it could work out that way.

Also, I think my feet are getting bigger, because my shoes feel tight.

First of All, I Want To know Who Appointed Them Arbiter of the English Language

In apparent illustration of the phenomenon that the Internet makes everything look equally legitimate, no matter what the source, the PR Staff of Lake Superior State University has taken time off from it's normal duties (e.g., photographing tennis balls) to condemn the development of useful new words and phrases. Their press release announcing that the Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, school has "banished" the use of certain words and phrases was picked up by, among other who should know better, Reuters.

“You’re fired!”

That’s how Lake Superior State University selected words and phrases that make up its 30th annual List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.

A svelte word banishment committee, fresh from a low-carb diet, said the process of selecting this year’s words was an amazing journey through hundreds of nominations.

“We’re über-serious about this list,” said one committee member, who noted the committee would issue its list through a traditional press release rather than using a blog or webinar.

Among the words Lake Superior State University fears may overtake the otherwise precise and elegant English language: Perfect storm, webinar and post-9/11. Those are words and phrases that came into use years ago, and that have -- if anything -- fallen from ubiquity to become merely words -- each useful shorthand, describing something that needs to be described. Despite the outcries of the PR staff of Lake Superior State University, these are words that will not be easily replaced. "Webinar," for example, may be clunky, but as someone who deals in webinars all the time and who has been on a personal crusade to find a replacement word, let me tell you its going to be hard. Perhaps the PR Staff of Lake Superior State University would like to suggest a replacement for the word. I, personally, am stymied.

The PR staff of Lake Superior State University would also do well to limber up its irony muscles. The shivering arbiters (this morning's temperature: 25 degrees) of "the Queen's English" (can we maybe try to get her to stop talking through her nose, just for one thing) object pointedly to the phrase "back in the day" because it "raised hackles for being applied to recent trends rather than historical events." Which is exactly the ironic point of using the phrase. This ironic use of language is not objectionable. In fact, it's colorful, one of the things that makes language worthy of our attention.

You'd think the PR staff of an admirable, world-class academic institution like Lake Superior State University would recognize irony when they saw it. Apparently, however, we're all safe.

Why I Drink

Mark Twain:

I only drink as a preventative of toothache. I've never had a toothache. I never intend to have a toothache.

New York Times:

But drinking 8 to 14 glasses of wine per week, particularly red wine, was linked to as much as a 60 percent reduction in the risk of developing a cold.

That's What I'm Here For, Breast Augmentation Surgery Edition

One link, ten bad celebrity boob jobs.

A Demonstration of Psychic Ability

Remember my wine test?

Anyway, I was in a meeting a few minutes ago when I was overwhelmed by a powerful feeling that my grade on the test was in. I'm to be notified by email whether I passed or not, and all of a sudden I was absolutely knew the grade was there, waiting for me to open it. It was a powerful, deep-in-the-gut feeling that demanded that I break away from the conversation, get to a computer and find out my destiny.

I was literally shaking when I opened my gmail box and discovered...absolutely nothing.

Remember this story, next time someone tells you about an amazing moment when they just knew that something had happened, before it happened. Remember all the times when a premonition overtakes you, when you know something deep, deep down that you have no way at all of knowing...and it turns out to be nothing at all. It'll help you keep things in perspective.

Man, that was weird.

Think of This, Religious Right, Next Time You Advocate That Your Tax Dollars Be Spent On School Vouchers

Actress Ellen Page reveals that the private high school she attended gave lessons in female orgasm.

That's What I'm Here For, Night Rider Edition

One link, 20 embarrassing David Hasselhoff photos.

And it doesn't even include my personal favorite.

This Made Me Laugh

Chris Kelly on Mitt Romney:

I'm also not interested in the statement: "Mitt's done a lot of things that people say are nearly impossible." That's just bizarre.  Like what?  Put five tennis balls in his mouth at one time?

I'd pay to see that, by the way.

UPDATE: After further consideration, I've decided that I'd also vote for any candidate who put five tennis balls in their mouth at once. I bet a lot of other people would, too.

UPDATE: From the Associated Press:

Cedar Rapids, IA -- Presidential Candidate Joe Biden, reacting to the surge of support for Mitt Romney after the former Massachusetts governor revealed that he can put five tennis balls in his mouth at once, declared that he has been saving his belly button lint for 37 years.

"No one is more of a freak than I am," shouted Biden to a cheering crowd of more than five people. "No one!"

Biden promised to display the lint ball publicly before the Iowa Caucuses January 3.

UPDATE: A newly released Fox News poll shows that 63% of likely Iowa Caucus participants will decide their vote at the last minute based on "how much of a freak" the candidates are.

UPDATE: Bill Richardson, speaking at a press conference in Cresco, Iowa, reveals that he has webbed toes.

UPDATE: Mike Huckabee produces photographs of a vegetable he claims to have grown in his family garden. According to the Muscatine Journal:

The photograph is indistinct and experts have called into question its authenticity, but it shows what appears to be a severly misshapen potato.

"It's shaped just like Rudy Giuliani committing adultery," explains Huckabee, pointing at the projected image. "See, that's her arm, there, and that's his head down where it shouldn't be. It's clear as can be."

UPDATE: Hillary Clinton vows that, "when elected," she won't clip her fingernails for the duration of her time in the White House.

UPDATE: John McCain posts a YouTube video of himself, back in his Naval Academy days, pulling a diesel locomotive with his foreskin.

UPDATE: From the Associated Press:

In the weeks since freakish qualities and skills have become a key attribute for those who seek the Presidency, Dennis Kucinich has gone from a single-digit also-ran to the Democratic front-runner.

"I've got what people are looking for," explained the huge-eared oddball after a demonstration of his ability to hear the inaudible sonar signals given off by bats. "I'm willing and ready to govern."

Kucinich, whose ultra-sonic listening skills enable him to communicate not only with bats but also with whales and cave crickets, has opened an astounding 12 point lead in the polls.