Advice Column #3: Love Is Lovelier, the Second Time Around

Today's question comes from a reader of The Advice Lady, another of the seemingly endless string of Internet-based advice givers.

Question: Specifically, what are the duties of the matron of honor for a second marriage? Does one have a bridal shower? What gifts are appropriate? Thank you.

Answer: You'd be surprised how often I get  this question, I think because there's more than one kind of second marriage and, thus, more than one kind of second wedding.

Your duties as Matron of Honor are dependent on the dynamics of the specific wedding. If the marriage is between an older, financially secure man and a younger, financially ambitious woman, the Matron of Honor's duties are reminiscent of the duties of the getaway car driver or -- perhaps more precisely -- the duties of the guy who held the horses outside the bank that was being robbed. That is, it's the Matron's job to ensure that a viable exit strategy exists, to provide shelter and solace when the exit strategy is enacted, and to deflect angry spousal phone calls as the groom works his way down through his runaway bride's address book. So practice:

I have no idea what you're talking about. I haven't seen (insert Bride's name here) since we went out to Sedona. Thanks for that, by the way.

On the other hand, there is another kind of second marriage that poses a completely different set of responsibilities. Some second marriages serve as erasures of first marriages. These often feature a bride previously married young to someone who didn't live up to his meager potential. Quaint as the small church wedding and reception of just a few good friends may have been, this time around the goal is a wedding and reception that overwhelms all regrets. These tend to be huge, romantic affairs "done right." That is, the couple is further along in their careers and flush with capital. The groom -- who is statistically likely to be the bigger earner -- is willing to expend somewhere in the mid five figures to create the wedding of his bride's dreams, understanding that he will receive excellent, grateful, exotic-lingerie-intensive sex in return.

In this type of second wedding, it is the job of the Matron of Honor to support the bride throughout the wedding planning process. So, whenever the bride-to-be expresses guilt or hesitancy at the cost of some delightful detail, the Matron of Honor should say:

You settled the first time. You're lucky to have a second chance. Do it right.

Then, at the wedding itself, it's the role of the Matron of Honor to get stinkin' drunk on whatever expensive Champagne "doing it right" justified and then to fuck the youngest groomsman out behind the pro shop. It is permissible, though not required, for the Matron of Honor to cry afterwards.