Ask Mrs. Web, Get An Answer From Tom: Advice Column #2

So far so good on the advice column. The first installment got rave reviews and didn't even trigger an anti-Muslim tirade from regular commenter Squidley.  I call that a good day's work.

Today's question comes from Ask Mrs. Web, an Internet-based column of "traditional dating and relationship advice" that badly needs a redesign. Anyway, today's question:

Dear Mrs. Web,

I don't know whether I have made a mistake. I recently purchased an expensive new car and have three years of stiff payments ahead. The car is the only thing stopping me from traveling internationally for a few months. I have always yearned to do this.

Some people tell me that this is the only time in my life I would be able to have an expensive car, because I still live with my parents. Others say that I should have traveled first. I will be 21 in the autumn. I am confused. What would you have done, bought the car or traveled?

Dear Confused,

I would have moved out of my parents' house. What are you, some kind of pathetic looser, driving around town in your Trans Am or whatever it is and then hurrying home to make mommy's curfew? And as for your parents: What's wrong with them, letting you intrude on the few good "empty nest" years before they fall into sexually repulsive disrepair? Take a good look at your mother; she's using you to keep from having sex with your father. Is that a role you're comfortable playing? What did he ever do to you, that you're blocking the few good rolls he still has left in him? And what about your relationship with your mother? Does your vanity plate read "Oedipus"?

As psychologically unattractive as your situation seems to be, congratulations. You've  managed to add a significant other to your life: The Bank. You've locked yourself into payment you can barely afford, which is going to keep you living in mommy and daddy's spare room for the next three years while you pay off the depreciating hunk of rusting steel in the driveway. (I bet you don't even get to park it in the garage, do you? That's reserved for mom's Taurus and dad's Town Car.) The only reason in the world to buy a hot car is to get laid. But consider the type of woman who's likely to find you acceptable after you reveal that it's got to be her place because you live with your mom and dad. Is she worth three years of indentured servitude? The whole picture comes clearly into horrible focus now, doesn't it?

As bad as that picture is, it's going to get worse. Your letter reeks of buyer's remorse. You bought the stupid car and now you think maybe you should have traveled instead. (Travel in the freakin' car, moron!) You'd better make peace with your purchase, because the next thing that's going to happen to you is you're going to start getting credit card come-ons that are the marketing follow-up to taking out an outsized auto loan. You think it's an accident that all that junk mail started arriving a month after you signed your life away? Wrong. The credit card companies have you pegged. They know your type, and they know it's just a matter of time before your tendency to self-indulgence and your yearning to see Paris in the Spring gets you opening those "pre-approved" solicitations and thinking, "What the hell? I'm only young once!"

That's the moment when your life as a free adult ends, and you're heading for it as sure as you're heading to years of therapy over your parental co-dependency.

Credit card companies are lots of things but they're not stupid. Their whole game is luring you into a pile of debt you can't pay off and then jacking up your interest rates to 30%. And, from the looks of things, you're playing happily along with them.

Oh well. You'll always have your memories. And your monthly payments.

I say this as someone who's still paying off restaurant tabs from the 1980s: You're not just confused; you're insane. If you can tolerate living with mommy and daddy, you should use that time to pack the money away. Keep your lifestyle cranked down to starving-college-student levels, turn your Oedipal rage into a wad of ready cash and liberate yourself for the rest of your life. The cost of freedom is low, at your age. Consider the difference between having, say, $25,000 in the bank and $10,000 in credit card debt. Plus, when you get past age 25, financial security will get you laid more than a flashy ride, at least with the kind of women you'd be comfortable taking home to mommy.

               

Comments

[Frank]

OMG, this is quite possibly one of the best things you've ever written. I forget who said it on the first installment, but I agree.. you missed your true calling. Your advice column should be syndicated.

What makes it work is that, while it is truly hilarious, it is all true. You gave sound advice, relating to both his finances and his chances with women.

[Wally]

Where was your good advice when I needed it?

[Squidley]

Thank you, Frank; those were my words. I agree; this is another excellent "column."

And since you mentioned it, Tom....

I don't appreciate any group that wants to impose its alien worldview upon my nation. Islam is more than a religion; it is a complete socio-political ideology. What's more, Moslems try to impose their vision of how the world should be through terrorism and violence. When domestic groups do that, they are roundly condemned by the rest of us. On the other hand, when Moslems kill and maim, other Moslems literally dance in the streets.

The saddest part of it is that we brought it upon ourselves by allowing them into our country in the first place. Had we left them in their homelands, they would never have had the opportunity to kill us in our homelands in the first place.

So: what possible justification can there be for letting them live among us, when it only makes us--and them--unhappy?

[Rodger]

Remind me, Tom, how old are your "kids"?

[Tom]

I'm confused, Rodger, by the fact that you put quotation marks around the word "kids." This makes me suspect that you are referring to something other than my children. For example, my testicles. Are you referring to my testicles?

If you're referring to my children, one is in high school and one is in college. In fact, he may be at the very same college where you work, if you're the Rodger I'm thinking of.