Tom's New Advice Column

As an experiment, I'm going to start answering people's questions in the blog. Since no one is asking me questions, I'm going to get them from other places. Today's question comes from MSNBC.com.

Q: I have a thorny problem with my wife of 38 years. She is a prude and the thorn is that her mother lives with us. My wife says things like "Wait until she goes to sleep" or "I’m not having sex with you with my mother in the house." Then I get little jealous comments while watching TV such as "Like what you see?" My god woman, I am not dead! Advice?

A: There are really two approaches to this problem. If life were like a porn movie, the obvious action to take your mother-in-law out to lunch, explain your predicament, get a little action under the table and then the two of you go home and and seduce your wife. It's a simple and practical solution, except that the real world doesn't operate like a porn movie.

What you need is a real-world solution, a plan you can implement in a world where people have morals and aren't always in a state of sexual arousal. (Obviously, if you're a United States Senator you don't need to worry about this.) Real-world solutions to problems are almost always more difficult than porn movie solutions. Take, for example, the conflict between Israel and its Arab neighbors. In a porn movie, the Prime Minister of Israel and the Prime Minister of one or the other of the Arab countries would simply go out to lunch. Whichever one of them was a beautiful woman would go down on the other one under the table and the problem would be solved. The title of the documentary about the negotiation would be:

Piece in the Mideast

Since you exist in the real world, you must handle this with the sensitivity often required in non-porn-related human interactions. Take your mother-in-law out to lunch, explain your predicament, and tell her that if she doesn't find her own apartment you're going to have her killed. Make sure that she understands you're serious and -- for the sake of family relations -- offer to help pay for her apartment. Give her two weeks, which is also about how long it will take you to arrange the hit.

Comments

[James A]

Would love to see more like this. Had a little lol.

[Squidley]

You missed your true calling.

[michelle]

OMG...

[Pursuit]

This is good, but not great.

Great would be if you added that you'd pay for the hit with the proceeds from your wife's inheritance.