FunctionalAmbivalent

What I'm Here For, Headline News Edition

One link, 20 funny headlines.

Proof, If Any Were Necessary, That Economic Education In Kentucky Lags

A local group here in Louisville has initiated a rolling boycott of gasoline brands, predicting they can bring gasoline prices down almost immediately.

People Involved Now -- or PIN -- started passing out flyers Monday calling for a two week rotating boycott. The boycott started Monday with Exxon Mobil and Chevron. It will then go to BP and ending up with Shell.

Organizers hope it will affect the profits of those companies and drive down prices.

"If we don't buy, they will have plenty of supply, said Mertus Strong, one of the boycott organizers.

Where to begin? How about: You dunderheads. Petroleum is a world market; buying gas across the street isn't going to change worldwide demand so it's not going to have an effect on anyones profits.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only way to effect the cost of gasoline is to consume less. That has both a short-term effect -- you use less gas and cut your cost immediately -- and a long-term effect: you decrease, by a few gallons a week, worldwide demand for petroleum.

I know, I know: there are endless pools of oil under Alaska and South Dakota and Brazil, and the only thing that's keeping us from nickel-a-gallon fuel is stupid liberals who hate America. Still, even if we kill all the liberals off tomorrow, it'll take years to get that oil flowing and people are whiny and bitchy about the cost right now -- and I, personally, think we need to do something to shut them up.

Which brings me back to using less fuel, which is what Louisville's pamphleteers ought to be pamphleteering about. But they're not.

I feel the need, before my next pull-quote from the article about PIN, to point out that I'm not making this up.

PIN says if the boycott doesn't drive down prices by the Fourth of July, it will start over again and this time freeze out the oil company stations for three week periods.

Oh yeah; that'll teach those worldwide markets who's boss.

Which Gives Me An Opportunity To Assert My Ownership of the Word "Disappointing"

Victoria's Secret, women's underpants purveyor to mallgoers across America, claims ownership of the word "sexy." The federal Trademark and Appeal Board disagreed, but lawyers bill by the hour so Vicky's crack legal staff decided "what the hell" and filed a lawsuit against Sexy Hair Concepts of Chatsworth, California.

There is nothing at all sexy, by the way, about Chatsworth, California.

In related news, Victoria's Secret won a lawsuit against a Louisville, Kentucky, seller of lingerie and sex toys. The Victor's Secret store will have to change it's name, probably to "Victor's of Hollywood."

If Obama Wants To Be President, He'd Better Nip This Rumor In the Bud

John Kerry for Secretary of State. Ugh.

Married To the Mob: How Conservatives See Politics

Republicans, Looking For a Winning Issue, Give Cooking Show Wardrobe a Try

Right-wing crackpot Michelle Malkin accuses zaftig television cook Rachel Ray of dressing like a terrorist and gets Dunkin' Donuts to take Ray's commercials off the air.

A Little Bit of Old Hollywood Passes Into History

Publicist Warren Cowan died last week. Rogers & Cowan was, for maybe 30 years, the powerhouse publicity firm in Hollywood. Cowan invented, among other things, the independent Oscar campaign and celebrity sports extravaganzas. He was the hand-holding crisis manager for three generations of stars, guiding them through public humiliations and triumphs. As much as anyone, he could claim to have invented the modern world of brokered Hollywood publicity.

When I was a magazine writer, Rogers & Cowan had much to do with my not covering show business. Every time I stuck my toe into the Hollywood waters I ended up on the phone with someone from Rogers & Cowan saying no, we're really very sorry, but there's no way we're going to make Kate Jackson available to you.

I resented all the things about Rogers & Cowan that endeared them to their clients, but more than anything I resented their ubiquity. It seemed like they were standing between me and everybody I wanted to talk to. Eventually, I stopped even trying to write about show business and stuck to politics, where people have to talk to you.

I Predict...

...in the next couple of weeks the John McCain campaign will reveal that Senator McCain is, himself, a registered lobbyist shilling for overseas financial interests.

My Question Is: How?

Edward Smith, according to the UK's Telegraph, has had sex with over 1,000 cars. He's currently dating a Volkswagen named "Vanilla."

Liberal Media Watch: He Ought To know

Former Bush Administration press secretary Scott McClellan notes that the media were too soft on the President during the run-up to the Iraq War:

“If anything, the national press corps was probably too deferential to the White House and to the administration in regard to the most important decision facing the nation during my years in Washington, the choice over whether to go to war in Iraq. The collapse of the administration’s rationales for war, which became apparent months after our invasion, should never have come as such a surprise. … In this case, the ‘liberal media’ didn’t live up to its reputation. If it had, the country would have been better served.”

I'm leaving comments open so conservatives can complain some more about Dan Rather.