My grandmother, who was a delightful, proper lady and hideous racist -- a combination not uncommon in her generation -- once proposed that we solve the civil rights "problem" by making a single dramatic gesture: "Give 'em Texas," she said.
I thought that was a lousy idea when it meant rounding up black people and trucking them off to the deep south, but applied to savagely embittered conservatives I think it may be a stroke of genius. What if we did just give 'em Texas?
Think about it: The governor of Texas recently asserted his state's right to secede from the Union, in the specific context of reacting to a Republican crowd chanting "secede, secede, secede." So I'm assuming he'd be on board. And all those Texans who were chanting: you know they're 100% behind the idea.
For the last couple of years, breaking away from the bad old United States to form a more perfect union of conservatives has been a popular topic among those so far to the right they're in danger of falling off the edge of the flat Earth they occupy. (I'm talking to you, Glen Beck.) Republicans whose skin has been crawling since the election of the illegitimate "Democrat" President, I've got just one thing to say: Texas is lovely this time of year.
Seriously: all the conservatives can move down to the Gulf Coast, build a big-ass wall around themselves, buy all the guns and ammo they want, waterboard each other all through the night. They can publish their own newspapers and have their own TV stations reporting 24/7 on all kinds of made-up shit, and since all the reality-obsessed people will have abandoned the state (the rational diaspora, historians will call it) there will be no one to confront anyone with any unpleasant "facts."
Beach front property is going to be going cheap once all those park lands along the coast are put up for development, so conservatives are going to want to get there early. And everyone should take their SUV because oil will be practically free after they drill, baby, drill all the way out to Cuba. (You know, the Chinese are already drilling there!) At the border, agents will remove the pesky seatbelts and air bags from everyone's car because there'll be none of that government intrusion in old Texas, no sirree. And the first thing everyone is going to want to do is vote on what country to attack first -- I'm guessing Iran, but if I were Mexico I'd sleep with one eye open. And then they can start the public executions. Those'll be big, family events that'll really teach kids a lesson.
And speaking of teaching, the schools are going to throw out all that crap they teach now and get back to basics: sex is dirty and will kill anyone who does it for any reason besides procreation, intelligent design is how the world was made, and now it's time for us all to pray exactly the same prayer right here in the classroom!
It is going to be soooooo cool.
I mean, for conservatives. For conservatives it's going to be cool.
For the liberals who are left behind, it's going to be a nightmare. We'll have to figure out some way to get by without conservatives. Who'll sound the alert when the President shakes hands with the wrong guy? Who'll take a brave stand against volcano monitoring? Oh, it's goin to be just terrible!
Of course, our feelings will be really hurt when conservatives leave, and nothing matters to us liberals more than hurt feelings. We'll probably just lay down and cry, and conservatives can peek over their big wall and laugh at us. And there won't be anything we can do about it, because we won't be able to do even simple things like sticking out our tongues because we won't have conservatives and...well, conservatives are the doers in society and liberals are all loafers and moochers.
It's going to be awful for liberals if this happens, so conservatives are going to want to start packing right now. Here, let me help you.