FunctionalAmbivalent

I, Personally, Am Stunned

Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood, who recently parted ways with his wife in favor of a 19-year old cocktail waitress, has entered alcohol rehab.

Living the Role

A Canadian impostor tells people he's David Lee Roth, goes to the hospital after having an allergic reaction to peanuts, ends up at a bar with two nurses. Here.

There's a Reason They Call Him "Woody"

Seriously unattractive Rolling Stone guitarist Ron Wood, age 61, has abandoned his 53-year old wife in favor of an 18-year old cocktail waitress.

In unrelated but somehow less-than-shocking news, 37-year old actor Ethan Hawke married the 28-year old former nanny of the children he had with his previous wife, 38-year old actress Uma Thurmon.

How Come I Never Get Invited To the Good Parties?

The 64-year old president of the staid Hawick Burns Club of Hawick, Roxburghshire, Scotland has been convicted of being a "sex pest" after a party at which he significantly misbehaved.

Jimmy Nelson, 64, put his hand down the top of a 54-year-old (nurse's aide) and fondled her breasts on the dance floor. Then in the committee room, while bouncing a 46-year-old shop assistant on his knee, he placed his hand up her dress and indecently assaulted her. Moments earlier she had flashed her breasts at him after someone had pinged her bra strap.

The testimony of a key witness to the first "sex pestiness" was called into question because the witness had, at that point, already drunk 10 pints of beer.

Initially, Mr. Nelson had denied the charges, claiming the women had been drunk and made the whole thing up. Both of them. What a coincidence.

I'd have gone with this defense, myself:

She showed me her tits. Now she's pissed because I reached up her dress?

Mr. Nelson has been removed from the presidency of the Hawick Burns Club. This year's New Years Eve party is not expected to be nearly as much fun.

I'm Torn Whether To Categorize This Posting As "Another Middle Aged Man In Crisis" or "Republicans In Good Standing"

A federal judge appointed to the bench by Ronald Reagan suspends the obscenity trial he's conducting after it's revealed that he maintains a personal website packed with sexually oriented photography.

The sexually explicit material on (Judge Alex) Kozinski's site earlier this week was extensive, including images of masturbation, public sex and contortionist sex. There was a slide show striptease featuring a transsexual, and a folder that contained a series of photos of women's crotches as seen through snug fitting clothing or underwear. There were also themes of defecation and urination, though they are not presented in a sexual context.

Which, if you think about it, makes it even ickier.

Momentary Horror

Today at church someone asked me if I wanted to join a "cornhole league."

Cornhole is game something like horseshoes but played with beanbags. There is an American Cornhole Association.

But still, for one brief moment there I thought I was going to have to stop being a Lutheran.

For another example of how I hear perfectly innocent things wrong, click here.

Screwball

Former Minnesota Twins pitcher and current Minnesota Twins broadcaster Bert Blyleven demonstrating that dignity has no place in sports interviews:

Q: Speaking of pride, what about this T-shirt you've been photographed wearing that says, "I [heart] to fart"?

BB: I LOVE to fart.

Q: What's wrong with you?

BB: I'm honest. Have you ever farted?

Q: One or two times.

BB:  And did it feel good?

Q: Always.

BB: Probably so. That's why I wore it. I love to fart. I do. When the time is right, I do it. I'm not going to hide it.

Amazingly, it goes on from there.

My Question Is: How?

Edward Smith, according to the UK's Telegraph, has had sex with over 1,000 cars. He's currently dating a Volkswagen named "Vanilla."

Confronted By the Bleakness of His Existence, He Makes a Fateful Decision

A 56-year old substitute teacher in Dallas shows up for school drunk and is arrested. Bet the kids will be talking about this one for a while.

Big Driver or Putz: You Make the Call

Legendary golf coach Butch Harmon has severed his relationship with increasingly pathetic PGA bad boy  John Daly:

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life,” Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. “And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk.”

Harmon, a legendary swing coach, has worked with some of the best golfers in the world, including Tiger Woods. He hooked up with Daly not long ago, but has decided that working with the PGA's longest driver might not be worth the effort. Not unlike a wife who decides to leave her husband after one-too-many drunken embarrassments, Harmon decided to ditch Daly after last weekend's PODS Championship.

Daly, playing on a sponsor’s exemption because he no longer has his full PGA Tour card, spent a 2½-hour rain delay during the first round in a Hooters corporate tent behind the 17th green at Innisbrook. He was 3 over, and when play resumed, he had Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden caddie for him the rest of the day.
...
“Jon Gruden caddying, I thought was ridiculous. I thought he made a circus out of the whole event," Harmon said

Suitably distracted, Daly missed the cut the next day and spent the weekend drinking beer and signing autographs back at the Hooters tent.

NSFW photo of Daly and a fan here.

Daly, who's 4th ex-wife tried to stab him with a steak knife, travels from tournament to tournament in a motorhome.