FunctionalAmbivalent

Grand Theft Auto Erotic

17% of Canadian men play computer games in the nude.

Two-and-a-Half Years Later, the Bar Fight Continues In a New Venue

From the redundantly-named Thunder Bay Chronicle-Journal, this public notice:

An action has been commenced against you (Brian Ross) in this Court by Mark Kapush in which his claim is for damages in connection with an assault that occurred upon him on or about the 15th day of May, 2005, while at a local establishment. This assault was totally unprovoked. The Plaintiff is claiming general damages in the amount of $2,500,000.00, aggravated damages in the amount of $2,500,000.00, special damages in the amount of $2,500,000.00, both prejudgment and postjudgment interest and costs of this action together with applicable Goods and Services Tax.

$7.5 million. Must have been a hell of a fight.

The Brian Ross being sued does not appear to be the same Brian Ross who works for ABC News. Nor does it appear to be Brian Ross the Vancouver condominium salesman. It also doesn't seem likely that the Brian Ross being sued is Dr. Brian Ross, of Lakehead University, who studies heavy breathing, or the Brian Ross who's President of the Rotary Club of Thunder Bay, since Rotarians seldom, if ever, get in bar fights. It seems more likely that the Brian Ross being sued is the Brian Ross who plays hockey, but you can never tell and the hockey players I've known have been real gentlemen. Though, to be honest, not when they were drunk.

They'd Like to Smile, But Their Faces Froze In November During a Snowmobile Outing and Won't Thaw Out Until June

The Dawe family of Peterborough, Ontario, Canada, receiving lottery winnings of $24.2 million. Maybe they were hoping for one of those really big cardboard checks.

It Could Be Worse

This morning in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Parking on streets is restricted for snow removal until March 31. The guy on the right is named Michael Beaver.

I'm not making this stuff up.

Bureaucracy Knows No Nationality

Global warming is leaving leaves on the trees in Canada later and later into the year, causing distress when city leaf pick-up ends before the leaves hit the ground. In Toronto, the city government stops picking up bags of leaves in early December. Facing a cut-off of pick-up before the leaves actually fall, citizens have been asking their government what they should do. The government's not-altogether-helpful answer:

"If they come down between now and Dec. 7, you bag 'em and we'll pick 'em up. If they are later than that, we're asking people to store them until we can get them in the spring."

Because in Canada, during the winter, no one has anything better to keep in their garages than bags of leaves.

Headline of the Day

From the redundantly-named Thunder Bay Chronicle-Journal:

Trojans Apply Pressure

Why, yes. They certainly do.

The Mania Spreads to British Columbia

Although Manitoba has long held the World Record for having the most World's Largest things, further research indicate that British Columbia is rapidly gaining ground. As previously discussed, this unhealthy fascination has led to many embarrassing installations, now including the world's largest hockey stick and puck and the world's largest fly fishing rod.

Pack Your Potato Chips and Head North!

A United Nations study explains why Canadians are so polite: They're stoned.

Marijuana use in Canada is the highest in the industrialized world and more than four times the global rate, according to a report from the United Nations.

The UN study even suggests Canadians use marijuana at a rate double that of the Netherlands, where it is legal to buy and sell the drug for personal use.

In an apparently related development, the city of Winnipeg has won the all-Canada Slurpee consumption title for the eighth  consecutive year.

"We don't really know why. Winnipeg is like no other Slurpee-consuming city in the world," said Sonia Chau of 7-Eleven's Canadian headquarters in Vancouver. "When it's minus-40 degrees, people in Winnipeg can be seen outside ... with a Slurpee in hand."

Stoners and Slurpees; what nature intended.

I'm Going To Rent This Car Forever

Today my rental car had XM Satellite Radio, and XM has a whole channel dedicated to nothing but Canadian news.

I could have driven forever...

Why Single People Are Single, At Least In Canada

Canadian news-lite site Canoe offers tongue-tied daters the following advice about jump-starting the conversation:

"If you were an animal, what would it be?" is a tried-and-true conversation starter. It's also a chance to find out about your date's warm and caring side.

If my date asked me that question, it would be a good chance for her to find out about my snarly and sarcastic side.