Barack Obama golf balls, presumably not as sensitive to cuts as the candidate himself.
The John McCain divot tool, which I think is actually for repairing ball marks. But then, precision isn't what we expect from McCain, is it?
John McCain wants to free people from paying gasoline taxes during the summer peak driving season.
To help people weather the downturn immediately, McCain urged Congress to institute a "gas-tax holiday" by suspending the 18.4 cent federal gas tax and 24.4 cent diesel tax from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
Let's examine the effects of this bit of political pandering:
The degree to which this hare-brained proposal gains traction is a measure of the degree to which this country is short-sighted and self-indulgent. If this becomes a populist wave, it's a good bet that our decline will continue. If it is dismissed as the bit of mindless pandering that it is, then maybe there's hope for us.
When Leona Helmsley died, she left $12 million to her yappy little dog, Trouble.
Recently, Trouble had to flee her home in Manhattan and go into isolation in a secure compound in Florida after receiving death and kidnapping threats.
Trouble, dubbed the "rich bitch" by some of her detractors, has apparently been laying low for several weeks...There is perhaps a limit to the amount of sympathy one can feel for the dog, due partly to the knowledge that she travels on a private jet, has her own winter home as well as a dedicated team of servants and security guards.
What, exactly, are the criminal penalties for the theft of a dog? I'm guessing not a lot. And how many of those presumably low-paid servants do you think are secretly resentful of the wealthy dog's soft life? I'm guessing most of them.
If you were a criminal, how hard do you think it would be to recruit an insider to help out on a kidnapping plot?
If you're sitting on the toilet and get the uncomfortable feeling someone is behind you, watching, well ho ho ho. Only $21.99 from the always entertaining Miles Kimball.
A square wreath, pre-lit, only $310, here.
It costs so much because it's hard to grow square pine trees.
Add attachments to your sleigh that make it look exactly like a reindeer. OK, maybe not exactly. A little. In fact, maybe not even a little. But at only $15.97 plus shipping, who really cares? Here.
Artificial snow, comes in plain white at $60 for 25 pounds, or popular iridescent -- $58 for 10 pounds, but it covers more ground and looks especially good to those under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs.
For those of you decorating in a constricted space: Half of a Christmas tree. Lean it up against the wall and feel half festive. Or, buy two, and put one on each side of a wall to confuse your guests. Whatever, get it here, only $118.00. That's 30% off, by the way. Is 30% off 50% of a tree a good deal?
Ah, yes: 'tis the season to decorate. To help you with your busy lives, for the next week Functional Ambivalent will, as a public service, search out the very most decorative of Christmas decorations. And where better to begin than at the beginning: the moment when the Christchild arrived in Jerusalem aboard a Lucite® bubble.
This depiction of that moment -- reminiscent of the arrival Glinda, the good witch, in The Wizard of Oz -- will bring joy and confusion to everyone who sees it for years to come. Available here, an heirloom for less than $10.
I'm having breakfast in an inexpensive hotel not far from my little sister's house. Yesterday was a lovely Thanksgiving, with all of my siblings from Seattle to Maine and my fragile, elderly parents. It was a day of cooking and touch football and good wine. And laughter. Much, much laughter.
This morning, the idiot local newscasters are entirely about "Black Friday." Black Friday is retail slang for the day after Thanksgiving, when fat women wearing sweat pants max out their credit cards in an orgy of consumption that is so far from the true meaning of Christmas that it leaves me, literally, with mouth agape. I stare up at the television, unable to believe what I'm seeing. I can't believe people will act this way, especially on camera.
We need to take a moment, early in the Christmas season, to do something we don't usually do until the end of the Christmas season, when it's too late to do us any good.
So, before we lose our minds completely and with hope that this year may be less appalling than last, this.
