WARNING: Every Friday is Sex Day at Funcitonal Ambivalent. If you do not want to read about sex, or think about sex, or possibly even have sex, please go here.
For the rest of you who think sex is just good clean dirty fun, well, pretty much all I can offer is words. So here we go.
I, myself, do not have a nickname for my genitalia. And, after extensive research, I'm sure that I'm not the only person around who doesn't understand the whole genitalia-naming thing. Here's an example of the confusion this practice is causing:
I never named my own penis, and I've never discussed the trend, if it is one, with anyone else. There never seems to be a good time to bring up the topic in casual conversation. ("Here's that report you wanted, Bob." "Thanks. Say, Joe, do you have a nickname for your penis?") Nor has any of the women I've known ever felt the need to name it. That's just as well. I'd be afraid of what they might come up with. Plus, once something has a name, it becomes a buddy. I'd be worried they'd start preferring to talk to my penis than to me. Pretty soon, I'm the third wheel on dates. It's just ugly to contemplate. Maybe I need to take a survey. Questions for men: Does your penis have a name? What is its name? Who named it, you or a significant other? Do you feel pressured to live up to your penis's name? Questions for women: Does your significant other's penis have a name? Did you name it? What do you call it? Is that supposed to be funny?
Not to me. You see, my penis is no laughing matter. I'm also not a person given to nicknaming things the way, say, President George W. Bush nicknames people. And now that you bring it up, I'm guessing President Bush has a nickname for his penis. It could be something down-home, like "Buckaroo" or "The Texas Twister." It could be something reflecting the awesome power of the presidency, like "Chief Joint of Staff" or "The Secret Servicer." Or it could be something frat-boy generic, like "Dr. Spunkenstein."
I say this not out of disrespect for the President -- though, to be honest, there's probably not a way to discuss the President's relationship with his own genetalia without seeming, to some, at least mildly disrespectful. But no. I say this because our President, whatever his geopolitical strengths and weaknesses might be, is first and foremost a guy. He cheered at football games in college and got busted for drunk driving, which are key guy-ness indicators. And the same kind of guys who get drunk and loud at football games have a strong tendency to go back to the frat house and name their penises.
I, too, am a guy, but not that much of a guy. I'm male, of course, which is a critical guy trait. I like blowing stuff up with firecrackers, which is certainly a guy qualifier, and I am capable of the hideously inappropriate passing of gas through a wide variety of orifices. But I'm uncomfortable with guy activities like the detailing of sexual exploits that takes place in locker rooms and in bars and on golf courses and in the elevator up to the ninth floor, where the receptionist is really, really hot. So I haven't named my penis and, for the record, neither has anyone else. I suspect I would like to have a penis grand enough that onlookers would feel compelled to name it, but I don't, and that is the pain I must live with.
Also, as long as we're talking about the Bush Administration: Does Dick Cheney need to name his penis, since he's already named Dick? And what of other cabinet members who are named after impolite body parts, like Colin Powell?
Shocking though it may be, it's not just men who are naming their parts. According to a no doubt highly scientific poll, 35% of men and 30% of women name their genitalia.
Think about that for a second. Look around you. Basically, one third of the people in your field of vision have a name for their genetalia. And I'm not talking about generic names, like cock or weiner or little coochi snorcher. I'm talking specific, ideally one-of-a-kind names like, for example, "Sally."
I had a boyfriend once, and I still see him now and then!!! We called his penis Buster, my pussy is named Sally!!! When ever I call him even now, 10 years later I always ask how Buster is and I tell him how much Sally misses Buster! He tells me to come over so they can talk!!!
Sally is not actually a one-of-a-kind name for a vagina or, more accurately, for the whole complex of female parts that go by the name of, for example, Sally. Indeed, on the Joan E. Lloyd website that so thoughtfully donated the above quote, there is another Sally mentioned in another post.
We refer to mine as "Mr. Happy". We refer to my wife's big breasts as "the girls". We used to call her vagina Sally, although I can't remember why.
Does it matter, really, what you call it, so long as you call it, and so long as it comes when it's called?
After what turned out to be an exhaustive search for nicknames women have for their genitalia I am convinced that women, compared to men, are boring. Or, perhaps, mature.
This is not to say that there aren't many, many, many generic name for female parts, as this list demonstrates, including: Dick Mitten, South Mouth, and Salami Garage. But notwithstanding the fellow above who thinks "Mr. Happy" is a penile nickname so original as to merit posting on the Internet, contrast the female nicknames I've come across -- Jo, for example -- with this list of men's nicknames for their no-doubt-impressive penises, including: The Ramburgler, Everybody Loves the Nubbin, and Pope John Pole III. These penis names beat the hell out of "Sally," even without mentioning the atom bomb of penis names: The Sixth Beatle.
Men have even specialized, as this list of military penis nicknames indicates. My favorite: The Purple Beret.
My favorite penis nickname is one that has entered the lexicon as a symbol of complete innocence: Beaver Cleaver. No, it's not just the name of a character on a 1960s TV show. It's a penis name, as in, "I got your beaver cleaver right here, buddy."
In case you're not as clever as highly paid Hollywood writers, and juts in case you still need to name a penis but are fresh out of ideas, technology has come to your rescue. On the famous Worldwide Web, there's a penis name generator that is both fun and easy to use. Just type-in a name, click on the "Name My Penis" button, and up comes a highly masculine penis nickname. Let's give it a try:
"George Washington" becomes, for example, "George the Tiniest Assault Weapon," which is, I think, disappointing. I was expecting something more like, "The Father of Our Country" or "Toothless Woody," but what the hell.
Let's try again.
"Barbra Streisand" becomes "Bartholomew the Intimidating Trouser Snake," which sounds spot-on to me. So, from now on, that will be the name of Barbra Streisand's penis, no matter who it's attached to.
The big question of course, is why people name their genitalia at all. My theory is that they do it because it makes it easier to find your genitalia in a crowd. Stand in, say, a busyshopping mall sometime and shot, "Hey! Where's my dick?" Do people look at you funny? Of course they do. But stand in another mall whose security department doesn't have your picture plastered all over the place and shout, "Lord Byron? Where are you hiding?" You get a completely different reaction. You still get thrown out, but it's for being an insane graduate student instead of a pervert.
There are, or course, other theories about why people name their genitalia. As to why men name their penises more than women name their vaginas, I think it likely has something to do with dignity. Most men want to remind the world that they have, for example, a Wand o' Doom; most women woul really prefer that the world forget that they have vaginas, since once men fixate on that there's no getting the office door closed and work done. Also, naming things is an activity that, like every other activity associated wih women, seems to primarily take place within the confines of a deeply meaningful relationship. Here's a quote from a website that is so gapingly (if you get my drift) not worksafe that I'm not even going to put a link in:
Men name their penises; call their testicles ‘the family jewels’ and can admire themselves in mirrors, whereas many women would admit that they have never examined this most intimate part of their own anatomy.
And thus feel as if they don't really have to name it in the same way that they don't have to name, for example, Poland, which they're only dimly aware of. There is also, with some women, a political aspect to naming their vaginas.
Although I refer to my vagina with a positive attitude and occasionally with affection, I have never given it a pet name, or referred to it as 'my girl' or anything. I try not to refer to it as a separate entity, or endow it with imaginary personality traits or free will.
As anyone who has ever met a man knows, men do think of their penises as separate entities, and the personality traits and free will we ascribe to our penises are anything but imaginary.
So there we have it: Men name their penises more than women name their vaginas because vaginas, like the little toy dogs women keep as fashion accessories, are well behaved in public. Men prefer big sloppy dogs that drool and chew and bark at imaginary garbage trucks. Big dogs like that need names -- and, for that matter, leashes and stun guns. But mostly names, if for no other reason than to allow you to curse them when they end up over in the neighbors yard, fucking the woman's toy poodle nearly to death.
Since naming genitalia is fun, and since women don't normally name their own genitalia, women sometimes sometimes have fun naming penises. This is an incredibly bad idea, and if my wife has ever done anyhting like that at a bachelorette party or a night out with the girls, I don't want to hear about it. The only way women should be allowed to name penises is if they get the name off an approved list of penis names, all of which would be like "Thunder" or "My Lord and Master." And then if the promise not to laugh or use a sarcastic tone of voice.
This is because, as we've already discussed, women name genitalia differently than men. For example, on this message board, largely underaged girls have offered up names they think would be good for penises. The names say a great deal about how much contact they've had with actual men. The names include Blinky and Squeaky, which are fine name for mice but not for large, throbbing manhoods. (Menhood?)
Imagine, for a second, that you have a penis named Blinky. Makes you feel downright manly, doesn't it?
Much better to be a guy walking around with Harry and the Hendersons between his legs.
And another thing: It seems to me if women can call our penises whatever they like, we ought to be able to use the term "panty hampster" without fear of retribution. Unfortunately, that day has not arrived yet, so an inadvertant slip of, say, Sticky Wicket without getting chased out of the house.
Have a lovely weekend. I'll be sleeping in the garage with my new friend Grandmaster Flesh.
Cream Puff wants to join. :D
Posted by: Isabella | 05/22/2004 at 09:24 AM
You'll need to read Dooce's blog entry (link = www.dooce.com/archives/daily/04_11_2004.html) on this very subject -- relating to how she and her husband will refer to their infant daughter's private parts when the time comes. Be sure to read all the comments...I'm partial to "twiffy." :-)
Posted by: MJ | 05/22/2004 at 10:41 PM
I love twify, and so do black guys.
Posted by: Mike | 07/15/2007 at 02:26 AM