Sex Day: Guess Who's Getting Laid More Than You Are

WARNING: Friday is Sex Day at Functional Ambivalent. The following post contains information about sex, which God invented and made pleasurable in all its forms. If you'd prefer to reject God and go somewhere where sex isn't talked about or alluded to or even hinted at, go here.

Everyone gone who wants to be gone? Great. Now that we've cut out the riff-raff, the rest of us can have a little fun.

I don't know if this is discouraging or encouraging, but according to SeniorSite Sex & Seniors, which the government allows to operate despite the fact that its sole purpose is to encourage old people to have sex, researchers have discovered that 74% of women age 65 and older engaged in weekly sexual activity, including masturbation. This contrasts with women aged 18 to 26, only 68% of which have weekly sexual activity. Which means: Your 70 year old next-door neighbor is probably getting more than the 22 year old hottie bringing you your fifth order of wings down at Hooters.

So, thinking logically, if you're looking to get a little, which one should you be hitting on? That's right: The old lady in the support hose bending over in her garden looking for the hearing aid she just dropped. You're cringing right now, aren't you guys? Of course you are; it's only natural. Let me help you cringe a little more.

To get this information, someone had to go around asking little old ladies if they masturbate. (Put that on the list of jobs I would not take no matter how much it paid.) Welcome to the brave new world of elderly sex.

Old people having sex is one of the unintended consequences of increased longevity. It used to be, old people were basically dead, and the ones that were still around were too busy showing people pictures of their grandchildren to even think about sex.

But then two things happened: First, science figured out how to extend our lives so that there were a lot more old people around. And second, people had fewer children so that there were fewer pictures of grandchildren to show, leaving old people with time to kill.

And what do people do when they have a lot of time on their hands?

Had we known the end result of writing checks to the American Cancer Society and the American Heart Association would be old people having sex, we might have used our hard-earned discretionary income instead to buy, for example, anything else in the whole wide world except life-extending medical research. Go carts maybe, or black velvet paintings of dogs playing poker. But no. We were nice and now we've got gramps asking us to stop by the drug store on the way over to pick up some ribbed condoms.

Now, I am not unsympathetic to old people. I am getting older myself, all the time, and it is certainly better than the alternative.

My objection to elderly sex is purely aesthetic.

When I was in my twenties, I was appalled by the idea that people in their forties had sex. I would be sitting in a meeting or something, listening to some middle-aged guy drone on about something stupid, and for reasons I to this day can't fathom I would imagine him and his dowdy wife in serious clinch.

Now I am in my forties, and I am appalled that people in their sixties have sex, though I have disciplined myself to the point where I am not confronted with sexual imagerly of old people I meet. (I use aversion therapy: If an image starts to form, I tear out a clump of my hair.)

And now, after looking at the research, I am convinced that when I am in my sixties I will go full-circle and object to people in their twenties having sex. What they really need to be doing is working three jobs in order to pay my social security. That way, I won't have to get a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart, which will leave more time for having sex. And I'll need that time because, if current trends continue, old-timers like me will be having nice, relaxed sex something like 40 time a week.

Here's another important lesson from Seniorsite:

When the children are gone and the couple is alone in the home, why must sex be postponed until the eleventh hour of the night. Why not early mornings? Why not weekend afternoons?

The lesson is: Call ahead. No one wants to walk in on their 80 year old granny going down on her 73 year old boytoy.

There is no question that old people are having more sex than ever before, believe me. I mean, I looked. I wanted to find just one doctor or study or even a rumor that said, for example, "it's a bunch of marketing hype from nursing home companies. They want their potential residents to think they're moving into Club Med."

But no. According to this article from the San Diego Union, the elderly sex trend is real:

At least two couples who met at Country Hills have married. In one case, the newlyweds' physical conditions improved so much after falling in love that they bought a motor home and drove off into the sunset.

I can just see it: Turn signal perpetually on, cruising the interstates at 12 miles an hour, trying to time the Viagra rush to hit at the next rest stop.

So what, in vaguest possible terms, is sex among the elderly like? Someone who uses a walker and the better part of an hour to cross to the bathroom isn't exactly going to be a bedroom balerina come nightfall. Here are words of wisdom from Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus of Santa Monica, California:

It is true that as we age we may no longer be able to jitterbug or engage in a fast mambo. However, we can develop a beautiful waltz and fox trot. New forms of sexual activity can be added to the sexual experience. One of the problems faced by many elderly folks is that they believe in the adage that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Nothing could be further from the truth. There are many things that we can no longer do, or do as well or in the same way, as we could when we were younger. However, we are perfectly capable of discovering alternative ways of performing certain activities.

Like, for example, trying certain activities with your teeth out.

(Oh, jeez, I can't believe I said that. I'm really sorry.)

Another report says:

One suggestion by researchers are slower but longer sexual activity which includes longer foreplay, more intense stimulation of the genitals, and the use of lubrication gels. Another researcher suggests that some elderly couples may want to develop appropriate substitutes within their sexual relationships, especially for those who have ill health that results in sexual difficulties.

One appropriate substitute that comes immediately to my mind: Sleeping.

Remarkably, gerontologists are encouraging the elderly to have sex. I know; I don't get it either. But it's happening under the guise of being "healthy." As Dr. Patricia Bloom explained in this interview:

There's a suggestion that sexual activity is one of those stimulating kinds of activities that may promote brain function in elderly people. There's even some data to suggest that men who have many orgasms may live a longer life.

This is in direct conflict with Ernest Hemingway's theory, which was that a man had a pre-ordained number of orgasms, after which he would die. This is a theory that, if true, means that I should have died the summer between seventh and eighth grade, when the high school girl next door got a new red bikini. Thankfully, Hemingway was a crackpot on all matters sexual.

Though the soft-hearted liberal gerontologists believe that sex among the elderly is healthful, their insurance companies know better. Brittle-boned oldsters face problems in executing the act they so heartily crave, and must be helped through the process the way race horses are helped through the breeding season. Caregivers are advised to organize sexual encounters caarefully.

To maintain the safety of both residents, they should be educated to advise a trusted health care professional regarding the sexual activity and to keep his or her call light within reach during sexual activity. If a resident’s room is not available or appropriate for sexual activity, a common room may also be used for private visits or for the older adult along with his or her sexual partner. If necessary, adaptive equipment such as hospital beds, siderails, or trapezes may be needed to allow residents to safely fulfill their sexual needs.

Trapezes?

So it has come to this: You stop by the retirement home where your parents live and one of the nurses asks you if you've got a minute. She directs you back into the office, closes the door, and tells you there's a problem with your father's...um...behavior. He seems to be wandering up and down the halls, boning everything that moves, as long as it moves slowly enough for him to catch up to it with his walker. The women fight over who gets to sit with him in the cafeteria. One of the aides caught him and one of the female residents en flagrante in the sitzbath.

That kind of conversation is happening more and more as randy old-timers take advantage of the new, enlightened attitude toward elderly sex. The result is exactly what you'd expect: Geezer VD. The increase in geriatric sexual activity coresponds with an alarming increase in sexually transmitted diseases among the elderly. Consider this case study:

A 62-year-old man presented to his physician with complaints of a penile discharge. The patient had two sexual partners in the last month, and used condoms "rarely."

Now I, for one, would imagine that most 62 year old men would use a condom never, so you've got to admire this old guy. And he is, demographically speaking, on the cutting edge, as this article suggests:

Of course, things may be about to change, what with the baby-boomers, those sex revolutionists, heading into their dotage. One can imagine "love pads" down at the end of the hallway where residents can do what comes naturally: hug, kiss, hold hands and caress each other’s tired bodies. I’m getting a little excited just thinking about it.

I'm not. Except that, of course, I'm getting older all the time, and if Mike Ditka can do it...oh, that's just icky.

Have a nice weekend, and I promise: Next Sex Day, it'll be funny.

Comments

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