Pre-Blogging the Final Presidential Debate

Functional Ambivalent takes live blogging a step farther! That's right: It's Pre-Blogging! Read about the highlights even before the debate is underway! Save yourselves the trouble of actually watching!

All times Eastern Standard!

9:00 - President Bush and Senator Kerry take the stage, circling each other in a low crouch, looking for advantage and growling.

9:01 - Moderator Bob Schieffer clears his throat. President and Senator notice for the first time that there's an audience in the room. They stand up quickly and straighten their suit coats.

9:02 - Reading of the rules.

9:25 - Reading of the rules complete, the first question goes to President Bush: What's that rectangular box on your back under your jacket? President Bush stares off into the distance, as if listening to something no one else can hear, before begining his reply, "Forget it. Ignore the question. Go into your opening. Bob, I'd just like to thank you and the good people of the state of Arizona..."

9:45 - Senator Kerry, in reply to a question regarding his healthcare plan, points out that he understands healthcare because he was in Vietnam. "When you're under fire," Kerry says, "you think a lot about your healthcare coverage. And as an officer, I thought a lot about the healthcare coverage of my men."

8:52 - President Bush makes fart noises under his arm.

8:59 - Question from Mr. Shieffer to Senator Kerry: Seriously, would you have married Teresa if she weren't worth a couple of billion? Kerry thinks for a second before saying, "It's impossible to answer that because the money is part of the package. It's like asking if I'd have married her if she didn't have hair. If she didn't have hair, she wouldn't be Teresa. Same with the money."

9:01 - President Bush, replying to Kerry's answer, points out that he married Laura "for the reasons that have always been at the base of our civilization, the time-tested reasons that have stood the test of time: She's built. I mean, look at her. What guy hasn't fantasized about nailing a big-titted librarian?" The audience seems shocked. "Come on guys, you can't tell me you haven't thought about that."

9:06 - Kerry points a finger at President Bush and says as if expecting a big laugh, "There's nothing conservative about your conservation policy." Waits for the laugh, which does not come. President Bush cuts in: "There's nothing conservative about my fiscal policy either," he says, "but I'm still giving money to rich people as fast as we can shovel it into the trucks." He shrieks suddenly and grabs his left ear as if in pain. "Ow! Dammit Karl..." Suddenly realizes he's talking to no one in clear sight of the audience. He tries to cover: "I was just making a...a joke. I do that a lot 'cause I'm folksy."

9:14 - Question: "Senator Kerry, have you ever drunk wine out of a box?" Senator Kerry: "Who among us hasn't, Bob?"

9:26 - Question: "President Bush, it's the last time you and the Senator are going to appear together in this long campaign. Over all these months, what have you come to admire about Senator Kerry?" President Bush: "Well, he's the best flip-flopper I ever met."

9:28 - "Senator Kerry, same question." Senator Kerry: "I really believe that, while President Bush has led us down the road to ruin, while he has been wrong about everything he's done in the last four years, and while my policies are completely different and will have predictably different results, what I've come to admire about the President is his relationship with his family. Families are important to me. I've been fighting for the American family for more than 30 years, and I'm going to keep fighting..."

9:30 - Candidates shake hands at center stage. Their wives come up from the audience and, nearly in unison, kick them in the balls.

9:35 - Joe Scarborough pronounces the debate a "big win for Bush, and I'm not just saying that because I'm in line for a cabinet appointment."

Comments

[Simon]

If only; that would've been a far better debate than the real thing.

[Conrad]

Fantastic.

[John Kneeland]

The truly remarkable thing is that this debate actually went back in time, as Kerry talked about healthcare at 9.45, and was followed by Bush farting under his arm at 8.42. Time continues to progress incrementally from 8.42. Perhaps Bush's armpit farts can propel us through time.