FunctionalAmbivalent

Further Evidence That Too Many People Are Famous

Actor Shia LeBeouf -- I have no clear idea who that is, by the way -- says that if he could, he would marry his mother. She is, he says, "the sexiest woman I know."

Surrealism

Miss Universe and Miss USA visit Gitmo, pronounce it a "relaxing, calm, beautiful" place.

The Sound of a Career Being Flushed Down the Toilet

Lindsay Lohan's new movie, Labor Pains, will not be released to theaters. Instead, it's going straight to basic cable, and will premier on ABC Family in July, when TV audiences are tiny.

Insert Joke Here -- or Anything Else You Might Think Of

Pornstar Jenna Jameson launches her perfume brand.

Someone Forgot To Turn On the Oven 'Cause There's No Heat Here

Rachael Ray makes cheesecake.

The Miracle of the Free Market

Brad Pitt promotes Benjamin Button by appearing in front of the media with his fly hanging open and, almost instantly, capitalism offers a solution to Brad's problem.

Loss of Perspective Watch: This One's For You, Steve

The most fortunate and undeserving people in the world congratulate themselves for their nobility without having to anything actually noble. I think my breaking point was when Demi Moore pledged to free 1 million slaves.

For Some Reason, This Makes Me Laugh Really hard

Robert Downey Jr. sets his pants on fire.

In the Pantheon of Bad Pick-Up Lines, There's This

Roseanne Barr makes a move on George Clooney, saying:

"You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink."

Clooney, to his credit, didn't go instantly insane and run out onto the nearest freeway searching for the front end of a fast-moving truck.

Derby Celebrity Check

So I figured it was about time to update you on the fabulous celebrities that are coming to the Kentucky Derby in a few weeks, but after a search of the web all I could come up with was:

1. Bobby Flay

Bobby Flay doesn't really even count, because when he comes to town they make him cook and that's more like being hired help.

Anyway, the thing about Derby is that it's all about tradition, so I went back to a list of 2001 celebrities. I'm guessing that, by and large, they're the same celebrities that are coming this year, too. So here's the insider scoop:

1. Loni Anderson -- former TV hottie who hasn't worked in anything you've heard of since a bit part in 1998's  Night at the Roxbury (which you probably haven't heard of, either) will eschew Millionaire's Row (above) for the infield. Can you say "Tits at the third turn"? I knew you could.
2. Bo Derek -- I think she's in the horse business or something. She shows up every year for Derby and is treated like she's somebody. My friends in the Churchill Downs press office theorize it's because she fueled the adolescent sexual fantasies of teenagers back in the '80s, and those teenagers now work in the press office at Churchill Downs. It's just a theory.
3. French Stewart -- Who?
4. Tony Bennett - don't get between the elderly saloon singer and his twenty-something groupies. The man's still got it, even in sweaty linen.

As always, there will be a special guest appearance by Meat Loaf.

I, by the way, will be attending Derby this year corporate style -- assuming I don't get fired between now and the first Saturday of May. Look for me on the first turn. I'll be the dashing fellow wearing blue seersucker and a straw boater.

Oh, wait: come to think of it, that's how most of the men will be dressed.