FunctionalAmbivalent

Headline of the Year

"Woman Goes For Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead"

Thankfully, there are very few details here.

I Need To Share This With Someone

I'm sitting in my office. My desk is cleaned off. There are no messages in my voice mail. All of my emails have been opened and dealt with. I'm caught-up on my expenses. My wastebasket is filled to overflowing with crap that really needed to be thrown out. I'm going to go home at five o'clock.

The world may now end.

Proof, If Any Were Necessary, That The Universe Is Trying To Break My Spirit

As if this and this weren't enough, this: Ralph Nader, who is apparently intent on the destruction of the United States, said in Canada yesterday that he will decide "soon" whether to make another run for the White House.

Because Bob Torricelli Isn't The Only Appalling Thing In New Jersey

The state of New Jersey sues people who died in a car accident for messing up the pavement. Seriously. Media reports make New Jersey look so bad, the state withdraws the suit. Here.

Artifical Belligerence:Don't Mess With the Santa-Bot

If you've ever wondered how mall Santas put up with all the crap little kids dish out, consider this: The little brats are getting so obnoxious even computer Santas are cracking under the pressure. A web-based Santa site sponsored by Microsoft has been taken down after it was harassed to the point of lashing out:

A chat between Santa and his underage nieces about eating pizza prompted Santa to bring up oral sex...After declining the writer’s repeated invitations to eat pizza, a frustrated Santa burst out with, “You want me to eat what?!? It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else.”

The exchange ended with the writer and Santa calling each other “dirty bastard.”

Microsoft fixed the site, but decided not to re-activate it because there was no telling what the artificially intelligent Santa-bot might do:

The company’s engineers tried to clean up Santa’s vocabulary, but even after making changes to the software, the company wasn’t comfortable keeping him online.

The Microsoftie sent out to explain Santa's bad behavior noted that the lewd comments were provoked by someone “pushing this thing to make it do things it wasn’t supposed to do.”

They Go Well With Cloaca Cola

Just open the can.

I have no idea.

News You Can Use

MSNBC helps readers decide whether they're better off choosing foreclosure or bankruptcy, here.

I, Personally, Am Thinking of Throwing An "Unhealthy Yellowish Beige" Party For My Suburban Friends

A party promoter in Detroit...oh, just read it yourself:

Yasmine Toney describes herself as a “dark-skinned sista.” So when she heard about a recent club promotion in Detroit, allowing all-night free admission to black women with fair or light skin, she was incensed.

The promoter, who goes by the name DJ Lish, didn't seem to understand what the fuss was about.

“I thought it was a brilliant promotion at the time. I didn’t anticipate any type of feedback. It was just a party thing.”

Suitably enlightened, he has now canceled planned "sexy chocolate" and "sexy caramel" promotions.

And In Washington, President Bush Decides to Seal Off the Truman Balcony

In New Delhi, a pack of wild monkeys attacked and killed a government official getting some fresh air on a balcony at his home.

What Is This World Coming To?

Certainly not the Victoria's Secret catalog. I got one today with 112 pages, and only 11 were underwear.