FunctionalAmbivalent

Let's Think This Through, Shall We?

The sheriff of Cook County, Illinois, is suing Craigslist. The complaint? That prostitutes advertise freely on the techno-hippie Internet service.

Speaking at a news conference, (Sheriff Thomas) Dart called the site "the single largest source of prostitution in the nation".

He said Craigslist's owners "catered their site so it facilitates [prostitution], where you can actually and more specifically and quickly get to what you want".

Craigslist countered with the obvious:

"Craigslist is an extremely unwise choice for those intent on committing crimes, since criminals inevitably leave an electronic trail to themselves that law enforcement officers will follow," a spokeswoman said in an emailed statement.

Seriously: shouldn't the cops want criminals to advertise? Doesn't that make the job of finding, investigating, and arresting those criminal easier? I mean, it pretty much takes care of the "finding" part. Go to the office in the morning, get a donut, peruse Craigslist, decide which ad you're going to bust, and get on with it before your second cup of coffee. 

They ought to give Craigslist a finder's fee.

Impaired

A pot-smoking genius in Nebraska has been arrested after getting his cat as stoned as he was. 

Lancaster County sheriff's deputies responding to a domestic disturbance call Sunday alleged they saw 20-year-old Acea Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to a duct-taped, plastic glass box in which the cat had been stuffed.

"This cat was just dazed," Sgt. Andy Stebbing said. "She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society."

Schomaker has been released from custody but faces drug and animal cruelty charges.

Crime Briefs

Dallas police are tracking a male and female team that steals lingerie from area Victoria's Secret stores.

According to a Dallas police report, a man and woman working together walked out of the location at Dallas' Mockingbird Station Wednesday afternoon with 75 pairs of women's underwear valued at more than $1,000...This was not the first time thieves have stolen large quantities of underwear from the store.

In August, 100 panties were stolen from the same Victoria's Secret and thieves struck again in July, stealing hundreds of panties, bikinis and bras, according to police reports. The afternoon of May 8, thieves stole 330 panties and 125 bras.

Though the perpetrators were apparently driving a van, police think the underwear is being stolen for resale, rather than recreational purposes. Though if it's a-rockin', they won't bother knockin'.

Honest, Officer, We'd Been Planning To Disappear Without a Trace For a Long Time

A Pennsylvania contractor and his wife have been arrested after their bank made a mistake on a routine deposit.

A $1,772.50 deposit showed up in their FNB Bank account last summer as $177,250. Police say Melissa Pratt said her husband, a roofing installer, often got large checks and she wasn't aware of any error.

That would be a more convincing defense had the couple not withdrawn the money, closed the bank account, and moved to Orlando leaving no forwarding address.

My question is: Why Orlando?

I Think This May Be How They Got Blagojevich

It happens every year around Christmas: Cops invite criminals on the lam to a too-good-to-be-true shindig, where they're rounded up en masse and hauled off to the pokey. This time, it was in Chicago:

Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart said Sunday that the suspects were invited to take a retailers' survey for holiday shoppers at a hotel earlier this month. Participants who brought along a scratch-off card that was included with the survey were promised at least $500. Those who showed up were taken into custody. One man who arrived with marijuana in his pocket was charged with possession on top of his previous charges.

As my regular reader knows, my history of criminal endeavor is fairly limited. But I'm steeped in the belief that some things are too good to be true, and when confronted with one you should head the other direction as quickly as possible. Every bad business deal I've ever lost money in started out as something too good to be true, and so has every social disaster I've ever caused or been part of.

Wally: "C'mon. There's a party over in Muggertown with free beer."
Tom: "No one gives away free beer."
Wally: "These guys are. It's a neighborhood club. We go, have a few, and slip out the back way. No one will even notice we're there!"
Tom: "I don't know."
Wally: "Just wear this red bandana. It's some kind of club insignia. We'll fit right in."
Tom: "I guess. But I've got to be home by midnight or my mom'll kill me."
Wally: "No problem!"

So if, around Christmas time, I got a postcard offering to pay me a ridiculous amount of money for participating in market research, I think I'd pass. Who knows? There might be an outstanding warrant for all those parking tickets I got back in college. No reason to take a chance.

The scratch-off card is brilliant showmanship, though. I'm going to have to remember that for my next direct marketing campaign.

Innovation In a Time of Economic Need

An unnamed 49-year old man, apparently dissatisfied with regular liquor store hold-ups and mugging, stole a skid loader, used it to ram an ATM out of the side of a bank building, and then attempted to drop the ATM over an embankment to break it open. Unfortunately, the skid loader went over the embankment, too.

The man was found trapped inside the battered machine and was taken to a hospital. His injuries were not considered life-threatening, but Kitchens says he could end up facing federal charges.

No word on what the man's next entrepreneurial venture might be.

John McCain's Not the Only Crabby Old Person Having a Bad Month, and Then I Lose Track Completely of My Train of Thought

Edna Jester, whose name is apparently not an accurate description of her demeanor, has been arrested for petty theft. The 89-year old Jester -- maybe she ran out of jokes and hasn't had time to change her name to Edna Crank -- confiscated a football that had been repeatedly thrown onto her lawn by neighborhood children.

The boy's mother, Kelly Tanis, said Mrs Jester had taken balls from her five children before, so she called the police.

Jester was taken into custody by the Blue Ash, Kentucky, police after refusing to return the ball. Here's what Mrs. Jester had to say for herself. (Additional crusty verbiage inserted in parentheses to give the quotes more color.)

I was giving (consharn ball) back sooner or later, but not right now so (those whippersnappers) could make a laughing stock out of me...I said go ahead and arrest me, (copper). Handcuff me if you'd like, because I said I'm not guilty of anything. (I'm not talking to anyone until I call my lawyer.)

Mrs. Jester was later released without bail on the assumption that, if she tried to escape, she couldn't run very fast anyway.

YouTube of the very, very slow arrest here.

If you're in the Blue Ash neighborhood, by the way, you're going to want to visit the nearby towns of Rabbit Hash, Big Bone and Beaverlick. I wonder if Beaverlick has a high school that sells t-shirts. I think "Beaverlick High" sounds not only like an excellent school, but also pretty sensible advice.

Hopefully, This Will Free-Up Some Investigators To Go After Robert Byrd

Senator Ted Stevens has been indicted.

The Biggest Loser

A big, fat Arkansas convict is suing the state for not giving him enough food.

Laswell says he weighed 413 pounds when he was booked into the Benton County, Ark., jail last September. The accused killer -- who's facing capital murder charges -- now tips the scales at 308 pounds.

"If we are in a small pod all day (and) do next to nothing for physical exercise, we should not lose weight," he says in a lawsuit. "The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally being starved to death."

There is apparently no truth to the rumor that the Arkansas Department of Corrections will outfit an unused cell block with 1,000-thread-count sheets and begin charging rich people $800 a night for weight reduction.

Crime Report: Two Counts of Anger, One Count of Love

Denied a job at a lingerie store, cross-dresser Jeremy McIntosh, 27, left in a huff. He returned moments later in his car, driving through the front of the store. He faces charges of commission of a felony with a motor vehicle, malicious destruction of property over $1,000 and reckless driving.

Anthony Graziano faces assault charges after attacking the new Vice President of his Naples, Florida, condo association. Graziano, 63, appears to have been upset by the election of Joel Germond, 80. The result of the confrontation is a Germond's-head-shaped hole in the condo clubhouse and possible jail time for Graziano.

Finally, in Frederick, Maryland, where I will be in a few weeks, 28-year old Christopher Cole is in custody after having asked a couple of joggers on the campus of Mount St. Mary's College to pose for pictures with him. Mr. Cole was naked at the time.